I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
