Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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