I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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