He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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