Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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