today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
