I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Randomize
