He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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