oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
