so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
