Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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