My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Randomize
