I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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