hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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