gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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