Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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