dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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