I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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