my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
