i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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