if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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