Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?
I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
