I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
