can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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