Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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