Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
