I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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