I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
