No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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