I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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