it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
