If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
