i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
