I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
