My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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