Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
