I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
