When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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