I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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