All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Also, beer. Big fan.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
