Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
