I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
wow bdsm is so cute
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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