So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
tell me about the eggs
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
