Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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