I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
We got so high we made milksteak
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
