Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
