Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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