when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
