If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Less talking, more tequila
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
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