I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
