True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
