Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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