You can't special order awesome
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
