I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
