I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
